Class Party, BP Catatonia

The Cool Birthday BOY! Having his cupcake, chocolate cake with butter creme frosting. Yummy! They had cool "Pirates Of The Caribbean" rings on top of them. Some kids had just a logo on them and others had a big skull it was a real fierce battle for the kids to accept that they all couldn't have a skull. What a way to get kids riled up.

As I have spoke in other posts we had party fever. The next post I will talk about Russ's birthday party and all the Bipolar trauma that goes along with preparing for guests.

Before I could hit publish my mother calls and I end up spending a great amount of time trying to help her figure out over the phone how to save her Grandmother's handwritten diary into a pdf file instead of jpeg. After figuring it out she decides that it takes too long to copy that way so she is going to stay with the picture format. Essentially she got her answer and it ended up wasting my writing time.

She also told me that I over think my Bipolar. So now I am spewing my frustration out on this blog. As if all mother's act as crazy as I do before getting ready for parties. I told her that it was not what Pete thinks is normal behavior getting ready for a party. She just pushed it away and I just shut down because I already know that a great deal of my psychological trauma has to do with how that woman raised me. However, in shutting down I will not continue to describe the seriousness of the behaviors because she just passes them off as nothing.

Is it really normal to take everything out of your cupboards and scrub them and reorganize on top of regular cleaning? Is it normal to obsess with a toothbrush and fester about the fact that your spouse will not let you get some new paint up on the walls, or do anything to make the house look better. Is it normal to hate everything about your house and storm around like a deranged lunatic because no one is lifting a finger to help you clean? Damn it! I said I would wait to post the party details in the next post. I do not have those pictures downloaded yet, so was going to wait.

Maybe it is normal to act crazy under stress, but to what extent it is the Bipolar? I guess people only thing it is a problem when I am in the hospital. Only my husband thinks it is a problem almost everyday. In and out of trances, snapping everyone's head off if they don't do as I command. I don't know? It definately doesn't feel normal to me to behave so irrationally and walk around or sit like a zombie showing signs of catonia. I don't know somedays I feel like I have all the answers and other days I feel like I don't have any. Having someone who doesn't support you and it seems you are always supporting them really is hard on the self esteem. It feels like they really don't care about me only what they can get from me.

I have to learn to deal with my disorder but it seems everyone around me wants to be ignorant and make up excuses. Pete is the only one who sees it for what it really is and knows exactly where the source is coming from. The problem is that I have to live a life even if it is not normal to the most normal as possible and unfortunately he is there when I am in the Catatonia, and when he is that makes him angry with whatever the stressor is that triggered it. He makes it worse because he will yell at me for allowing myself to get bogged down with other peoples problems. That I am infecting everyone in our household with it.

Great now I feel like crap about myself! Not what I wanted to accomplish here today.