Bipolar Can Get the Better of Anyone

It is inevitable that something will trigger an episode for people with Bipolar Disorder. Many times through out my life I've had things trigger the episodes, which are generally triggered with a combination of manic induced medications and environmental stressors. If given a choice to let the world roll off my shoulders instead of letting it get the better of me, would be wonderful to say the least. For whatever reason, the mind gets weak when some medications or the lack of proper medications are absent or present in the brain's chemistry.

I've had conversations with people who are not Bipolar, also have similar issues and they seem emotionally distressed, but better able to cope with it. I on the other hand let it eat at me with a vengeance. Perhaps if I could see the answer to all the physiological problems of the brain I could find a balance. For a long while I had the balance and then other medical problems interfered with my medications and so it goes with people in the same shoes I also wear. The comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who battles this disorder, and that I have people in my life who love me regardless of my condition, is immense.

I am falling behind on so many of my projects that the tasks again seem daunting to complete. When I catch up I will feel a great sense of accomplishment at least until the next thing grabs me by the neck. Recently I've talked about my pathetic life and the triggers of old and coming alive in the present, and I am feeling a deeper need to move forward instead of continuing to punish myself for my response to stressful situations. I just need the extra positive messages to invoke my greater sense of worth and purpose. The first being that I am a positive role model to my children. That even if we struggle with problems we can have normalcy when we stop belly aching and kick the crap to the curb. I've sulked long enough about having a less than perfect childhood, and struggling to survive in spite of this disorder; of which, there is no cure or relief without medications. Even if it comes down to self medicating to survive, so to speak.

Nicotine is a drug that seems to calm the nerves, and pacify the contentions. Yes, it is a bad habit one which brings other health complications. In an episode those things don't matter it becomes survival instinct at that point. Smoke or lose all control over your emotional state of mind. I need all the emotional help I can get while in an episode. It is no wonder that people turn to self medicating under duress. In this last bit of madness I should have been taken to the hospital, but my husband is of the mind that a supporter should do everything to keep that from happening. The only problem is that he doesn't have the drugs it would take to get me to come out of the nightmare. Which really never goes away, it is only buried beneath the surface waiting till the next thing sets it off again.

In all reality, or at least my reality, I would be better off dead. There would be no more stress, no more mistakes, no more living nightmares, or insane pain. The only problem is that my kids may carry this disorder if it is genetic, as they claim, the chance is probable. God forbid!! It would be a bad example to show them that the answer is only in death, instead of in a struggle to get back on your feet and continue to fight. The dusting off of problems, mistakes, shame, and depression. The idea doesn't make me happy, and at times the thoughts of how much better off they would be nags at the wrong times. When the clouds of doubt have lifted, the sunshine clears, the mind and the determination to overcome kicks in. Producing a time of harvest where all the hell turns into a replica of heaven. Those moments of wanting for death turn to empty old mindless idiotic fantasy. If I had died when I last wanted, I wouldn't be here today to enjoy the sunshine and clear skies. To experience moments of paradise and peacefulness, I long for, it can seem surreal when it does. The success of overcoming the tribulations of Bipolar, bring elation. Those moment seem rare and an appreciation for feeling well, help me to focus during those other times of doomed disasters.

I am a survivor, and strive to continue surviving the journey with my burden in life, to the best of my ability.

Author Note: I have been diagnosed with Bipolar since 2004, but was in the closet since 1987 about my fits. I just want others to understand the disorder, or if afflicted to find comfort in the same situation. May your crossroads be paved only with all that represents serenity. If you suffer may the paths lead to victory in the long run, and the sacrifice to continue worthwhile.